Sunday, January 21, 2007

That's that one checked off the list

I’ve been thinking deep philosophical thoughts recently and since I’ve been in Namibia a few things that have happened have pushed me away from evolutionary theory and more to creationism. This is a bold statement and probably needs a bit more clarification. From what I’ve heard and read about Darwin’s Theory of Evolution (admittedly not a lot) - natural selection, survival of the fittest, fossil records and all that jazz it all seems perfect. What I’ve discovered since I’ve been here and what leads me to question this theory, however, is the existence of three animals, which I can’t for the life of me imagine what they could have evolved from. Hours (minutes) of deep pondryment have led me to the conclusion that these three creatures must surely have been created by someone’s imagination. Some genius with an excellent sense of humour or after a few too many drinks…

The Giraffe

Those of you who are regular and/or attentive to this blog will have seen comments made previously about a photo of a giraffe. No prizes for those who guessed that it would have ended on my final list. Don’t get me wrong, giraffes are cool – seeing them up close in the wild was awesome. But they really aren’t the most efficient of animals. I mean, come on, they were designed by someone with a few too many lego bricks spare. Watching a giraffe drinking is a moment of nature’s true genius. As they approach the water, they look shiftily around to check out their surroundings. People here would tell you that that is because when a giraffe lowers itself, it is at its most vulnerable for attack – exposing its neck and not exactly in the starters blocks for a quick getaway. That is wrong. They actually are looking around to make sure no one else is watching them, so embarrassed are they about how silly they look when they drink. It is a bit like going into a newsagent’s to get a top shelf magazine. Apparently. (Though if you were to compile a list of Top Ten Animals Designed to Retrieve a Top Shelf magazine, Giraffes may well be near the top. How ironic)




The Flying Kamikaze Beetle

I don’t actually know what this insect is called, but I can tell you that I’ve studied it with awe and wonder as to how it has survived on our planet as long as it has (though I don’t know how long it has – maybe it only came in 2005 and will soon be moving on). As with most insects I know (Dave, Shane and Gladys), The Flying Kamikaze Beetle has an excessive and morbid fascination for lights. Rather than taking after its flying cousin The, errm, Fly, and flying around a light for most of an evening (before eventually bafflingly managing to find a secret trapdoor and get inside the light – how do they do that?) the Flying Kamikaze Beetle is only interested in flying at full speed, headfirst into the light. This usually results, as it would with most of us flying headfirst into a solid object, in rendering the beetle unconscious and it dropping a fairly hefty distance to the floor. There it remains for a good half hour or so before coming to and going through a thought process presumably along the lines of (groggily) “Bloody hell, where am I? And why is my head pounding? I wonder if I have any aspirin in my pocket…Nope, I’m a beetle. Hang on a second, oooohhh, what’s that? Aaaaahhhh it’s a bright light in the sky. Perhaps if I fly into it really fast it will take my headache away. Lets give it a shot…” And so it goes for the whole night until you eventually get bored and turn off the light to put it (and you) out of its misery for another 24 hours.



The Donkey

The irony that one of the more biblical animals is heading up my theory of the creationist theory of a comedy genius has not been lost on me. However, you will soon see that this is the only possible explanation of how the donkey has come to exist.



Donkeys are involved in more road accidents here than cars. That’s not strictly true, but they are involved in a lot. Obviously that doesn’t prove my theory until you consider the following:



  1. Namibia is huge. No seriously it is massive. On a scale you can’t even imagine (especially if you live in Britain. Or the Vatican – though I don’t think anyone reading this does). I think its second behind Mongolia on the fewest people to amount of land scale. There are vast areas of nothingness. Vast. And three roads. Which is where you find ALL the donkeys. Sometimes they stand on the side, but mostly they stand in the middle.

  2. Namibia is very sandy. And donkeys are the colour of sand. If they could evolve surely a nice fluorescent pink with maybe neon lights wouldn’t be too out of the question.

  3. Donkeys are the only animal whose eyes don’t reflect car headlights. I kid you not.

  4. Donkeys are VERY stubborn. I ain’t getting out the way for no-one. Fool.

Why why oh why would you evolve to be like this? Now I know purists amongst you are going to say “But evolution takes hundreds, nay, thousands of years, Ant, and cars have only been around for fifty”, but you know what I call that? Excuses, excuses.





I’m right and you know it. Convinced?