Back to the UK - efficiency, sophistication. I think not

When abroad. And particularly when working in development abroad, I think back to the UK as a haven of efficiency, of achievement, a place which has gone though "development" and can now afford to send its people abroad to teach others how to do it.

I spent a lovely month back in the UK for xmas and new year before heading of for my next jaunt (more about that later). It was a wonderful period full of good food, good people and good times. Never before, I think have I enjoyed what the UK has to offer so much - the places to go, the ease of travel, the memories of old times. On the other hand, never before have I been so disappointed by so many aspects of life in the UK. With no exaggeration whatsoever, I felt more frustrated by inept processes and threatened in the UK for that short spell than I have at any time over the past two years. What has happened people?

I don't want this blog to be a rant, so lets start from the beginning. Anyone who has been away for a reasonable period of time will tell you that adjusting to life back in the UK is tricky. I'm not necessarily referring to people who do what I did and work abroad, but anyone who has been travelling for a few months etc. What most people I know find is that they become frustrated by what they perceive as the stagnancy of life at home since they have been away. The same people are in the same pubs, drinking the same drinks, having the same conversations. It used to really frustrate me too - I had seen so much of what was to offer, why are people not doing the same? Too many questions. The thing is, I have found on my last couple of trips home that this whole process has been completely turned on its head for me. The exact things which frustrated me so before are now the things that make home feel like home and the fact that I know the same people will be in the same pubs having the same conversations is a great great comfort to me. It gives some stability in my otherwise volatile existence.

Which is partly why these changes I saw recently were so disturbing. I shall now give the executive summary for three stories which happened in the space of a couple of weeks:

1. Small company can't be bothered
I ordered some soccer shirts of the nations of the various countries I had just travlled through (very creative, I hear you say. Well I am available for other gift advice). The on-line (alarm bells) retailer was not one I had come across before, but seemed reputable enough. Bank transaction went through very speedily indeed (doesn't it always when they are taking the money?)and the shirts arrived well in advance of the December 24th panic buying spree.

The problem arose when I saw that one of the shirts (Angola if you must know)was an old version which cost half the price of the version I ordered. No big deal. Honest mistake etc. Cue email to the tune that there seemed to have been a mistake, but I don;t mind that I had the 06-07 shirt rather than 07-08, but did mind the £20 difference. No reply. Ok, its xmas. Busy time. Second email sent a week or so later. No reply again. And third. Eventually a reply came. One line "We didn't actually have stock of the 06-07 shirt, are you sure there hasn't been an error?"

Yes. Yes. Quite sure. Photos then sent of the received shirt vs ordered shirt. No reply. I gave up three or four emails after that.

2. Big bank too distracted in making more money than doing job
Being prepared for another stint abroad, it seemed prudent to order some new bank cards. For some reason unbeknownst to anybody except possibly the bank owner (lets call him Mr Herbert Samuel Bartholemew Cardigan) I could only order one of the cards in branch, the other by telephone. In branch I was offered an upgrade to a different account ("at a rate of just £12.99 per month, sir. You get face to face meetings with a financial advisor" "In Afghanistan?" "Errm, no sir. But travel insurance is included also" "For Afghanistan?" "I'd have to look into that, sir"). On the phone I was offered protection for my card ("like condoms?" "No, sir").

Long story short. Both branch and phone forgot to order cards. A week before my departure and getting twitchy again I ordered again. One out of two arrived this time (branch wins). Frantic phone calls ensue and I have to wait in all day the day before I go to Afghanistan for the card to arrive by special courier. The card doesn't arrive by courier. Phonecall: - "we sent it today by first class mail, sir. It will be with you in 3 to 5 working days. Have a nice day sir"

3. Horsforth is more dangerous than Kabul. The end
Night out for new year. Fights. Threats. Intimidation. Glassing. Police. More fights. Women throwing bottles. Get me to Afghanistan, please.


I'm not naive. Of course I'm not. These things aren't new. Small businesses have and will always take the money then stall. Big businesses always "sell first, please later". And women in Horsforth always throw bottles into crowds of fighting people. For some reason it just stung a bit more this time than before.

That being said I did find time in the UK to discover pear cider, the ipod touch, the wondrous comfort (and timekeeping) of national express coaches and the capacity of my stomach to eat brandy sauces in a day. So in balance, I'd say that in the wise words on Arnold Schwarzenegger: "Please vote for me as Governor of California" (or, alternatively, "I'll be back")

So now I wander again. Those more on the ball may have picked up on the numerous references to Afghanistan. I wasn't using them to be ironic. I'm going there. Soon. I'll try to let you know how it goes.